Blackout
by paintedlit
Summary: Everything about me said I was dead. I knew I was alive because I could hear my heart beating; but it was only sustaining the physical. I knew because I’d left my heart exactly where I had fallen-and there it would remain for eternity. Broken still.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: New writer; I'm not going to beg for reviews but if you like it and want more let me know; if you don't, let me know that too.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters; all that credit goes to Stephenie Meyer**

**This part is taken from New Moon page 451:**

**I could see him now. And I could see that he could not see me. **

**It was really him, no hallucination this time. And I realized that my delusions had never done him justice.**

**Edward stood, motionless as a statue, just a few feet from the mouth of the alley. His eyes were closed, the rings underneath them deep purple, his arms relaxed at his sides, his palms turned forward. His expression was very peaceful, like he was dreaming pleasant things. The marble skin of his chest was bare-there was a small pile of white fabric at his feet. The light reflecting from the pavement of the square gleamed dimly from his skin. **

**I'd never seen anything more beautiful-even as I ran, gasping and screaming, I could appreciate that. And the last seven months meant nothing. And his words in the forest meant nothing. And it did not matter that he did not want me. I would never want anything but him, no matter how long I lived. **

**The clock tolled, and he took a large stride toward the light. **

**"No!" I screamed. "Edward, look at me."**

**--End section from New Moon**

Why, I thought, did I have to be the only person in the world whose thoughts he could not hear? I screamed in my head and audibly as loud as I could. All the terror and adrenaline pumping through my body and I still could not get my feet to move fast enough.

"Edward," I yelled internally, silent only to him. "I don't care what your feelings are. I don't care if you don't want me, but I can't be in a world where you don't exist. Please, Edward! Don't!"

I faultered.

The light reflecting from his peaceful, inhuman body as he slipped into the sunlight blinded me. I couldn't see clearly. It was magnificent; seeing him standing there, arms opened like he was welcoming the sun from a long separation. He seemed so at ease, completely unconcerned with the imminent danger that awaited him. It was exactly what he wanted; a show that would force the hand of the Volturi.

Almost instantly, the world was dim again. My sun had been burnt out. Of course, it was still bright from the actual sun sweltering overhead but what had been reflecting, not one ray but millions, had been removed. I reached the mouth of the entrance only to be stopped short.

"Bella, you can't," Alice stopped me. How had she made it here almost as quickly as I had? Then it registered-I hadn't made it in time. Edward had been exposed. If only I was faster, less clumsy. I caught a glimpse of their retreat, their black robes contrasting Edward's pale, bare skin. There were four of them, each with an arm securing him within their control. He went willingly. There was no need for their concern.

I doubled over, unable to catch my breath, both from exhaustion and grief. This was it. Edward had succeeded. My non-attempt at suicide had not worked but it had driven him to this. His attempt, however, was an overwhelming success. Once again things were my fault. If he had not heard of my jump, he would still be here. He may be with his family or the Denali. Maybe he would be studying to be a chef. He had joked once about that-having had to cook for me. But now, it was all gone. How his family would hate me for this. I had acted stupid and because of it, Edward was gone forever.

"Don't think it Bella. Don't you even dare," Alice's words pulled me back to the present.

"Alice, I failed," my breath coming only slightly more regular.

"Bella…," was all I heard. I collapsed. From exhaustion, from grief, from guilt-maybe all three, but the weight of it buckled my knees and sent me crashing to the pavement. My hands did no even make the attempt to break the fall. I heard the smack and felt the warmth as blood spilled forth.

NIGHTMARES

Everything is a blur. Nothing during my Dark Era could compare to this. Charlie thought my zombie phase was bad; that was nothing. Now I wasn't even living dead, I was just dead. My whole being, heart and soul, were gone. My world was empty. My world, I thought humorlessly. My world never belonged in their world to begin with, I was, after all, just human. Weak, slow.

Alice held me the entire flight back. I knew that only because when my dreams and reality collided, I thrashed. I could feel her strong arms holding me tightly. Her marble arms the last remembrance I would have. She tried to soothe me. She tried to convince me not to blame myself but who wouldn't. How could I have seen this coming? I knew my life was shattered when he walked away. When he said he didn't want me, I did not like it, it had ripped something from me that was now lost forever. But I had understood it. I could see where he would no longer want me, where I could no longer satisfy him. I was so inconsequential-there was nothing special about me; nothing to hold his interest. I could forgive him for that. I could not begin to compare with that level of perfection. I was just me.

I was numb. Everything about me said I was dead. My senses were dull, my breathing subdued. I knew I was alive because I could hear my heart beating; but it was only sustaining the physical. I knew because I'd left my heart exactly where I had fallen-in the streets of Volterra-and there it would remain for eternity. Broken still.

I sensed that I cried because my eyes stung and my cheeks were tight with dried tears. I had nothing remaining. I had fought Alice, beating her futilely with my bare hands. Screaming. Cursing the world. Blaming myself. I went through every emotion. The anger sprang up the from first time I had met him. He was so cold. How I had come to love the cold! The love that spilled forth when I realized that was what I felt for him. The anguish as he stood in the forest and told me he didn't want me. I felt it all and pounded into Alice's impenetrable arms. I had given everything and it had not been enough. At some point, it consumed me and I was silent and still-my connection to life severed. I must have slept or passed out because when I came to, I was at home, in my bed.

How did Alice explain this to Charlie I wondered. He had to be furious that I left in the first place, but how did she explain why I was worse than before. I had been doing better. Another sob rose in my throat when I thought about what I was putting Charlie through. He'd only recently gotten me back and most of that time I had been hurting. Despite my guilt, I could not bring myself to make any efforts.

My dreams were the only vivid thing about me. They taunted me and were constant reminders of my failure. It was bitter and damp. I stood alone amid the forest. I was empty, confused, lost-much like when Edward had left. The only added emotion was fear. These woods were different. There was something menacing within these trees. I felt my spine tingle and my breath quicken. The only thing that seemed logical was to run. But I was horrifyingly slow. My feet were leaden and refused to carry me out of the woods. It didn't matter how slow my feet were, my clumsiness won out and I went tumbling to the ground, scraping my palms as I braced against the fall. I felt the shock of pain as they hit something sharp. I glanced down only long enough to note they were officially bleeding but short enough to avoid any of my normal reactions to the sight. As I rose to my feet, I heard a silent snicker. I gasped and turned slowly.

Edward stood a few feet behind me, cloaked in a long black robe. His face paler yet, and the purple under his eyes was more pronounced. He stood facing me, his eyes-my breath caught-his eyes were fiery red. Simmering in anticipation. I stood, waiting, my eyes searching his face. There was no trace of my Edward in this one's cold, chisled face. Even the first time we'd met when he'd been trying not to kill me, held more warmth than this.

"Silly, Bella. You should know better than to run. And yet that seems to have worked even more in my favor," evil Edward sneered as he cast his look to my hands. Instinctively I closed them.

"That's certainly not going to help. I already know how good you taste," he closed his bright red eyes and sighed.

"Edward, please," was all I could muster. Begging had worked in the past.

"Mmmm…that's nice," he started toward me. "I like to be begged. It makes my conquest that much more rewarding. I don't know why I forced myself to resist you all this time. I was driving myself crazy for no reason. Why should I deny myself our natural cravings?"

He was close, circling behind me. I could smell him; his wonderful smell. But it was off. It was saltier-the blood. Human blood was more potent in his scent. I could feel his breath behind my ear. I was frozen, and there was no point in fighting, or running.

"How many times I've heard your heart pound but rarely in fear. This is how it should have been between us. How odd that the physical response to love and fear are much the same," his velvet voice observed. He was right, my heart was pounding furiously.

With that, he gently brushed aside my hair and bent my head to the right. My whole body wanted to scream and fight but I knew it was useless. A very empty part of me would have leaned into to this eagerly in anticipation. The electricity sending shocks all the way to my toes.

"Edward," I whimpered. "I love you."

"Don't."

One of his previous favorite lines. I felt his breath suck as he leaned in. I closed my eyes and drew what I knew would be my last breath. The pain was tremendous as I felt his teeth tear into the tender flesh of my neck. The searing pain shooting almost instantly through my body. I couldn't contain it any longer, I cried out.

"Bella, Bella. It's okay. It was just a nightmare."

I noticed it was Alice. What was she still doing here? I figured as soon as we'd gotten home she'd leave; hating me for what happened to her brother. How had seen not seen this, seen that we would fail?

I groaned. _No,_ I thought, _this was my nightmare. _Living. If Edward was gone I'd just as soon he'd taken me with him. Did Charlie know Alice was here? I couldn't imagine he'd be thrilled. So why was she here? I didn't care. It wasn't Edward. In fact, it made it worse. Knowing that a being closely resembling his cold, stoney features was only feet away from my bed. Cold usually helped to numb, but I didn't want it. I wanted heat. I wanted to burn. To have my senses consumed by its intensity.

"Alice, just go," I mumbled. It was too much effort to carry out any more thought then that. I did not take notice if she obeyed me or not. I returned again to my incoherency.


	2. Chapter 2

CLEANSING

I could sense the morning light and feel the heat. My sun was here, only it was more like a haze. Indirect sunlight but present nonetheless.

"Bella," Jacob chimed. "I think it's time for you to get out of bed."

"Ughhhh," I groaned at him. Much as I like Jacob, his bright and shiny…ouch! Shiny was not a word I was ever going to be able to use again.

"Jacob, I can't…. He's gone," there, I'd said it. I choked down another sob. Somehow saying it made it more real.

"Bella, I hate to be insensitive and all while you're so upset, but didn't he already leave?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"I might if you gave me a chance."

"No, he's gone. Forever! He's never coming back-ever!" I cried, spilling whatever remaining emotions forth from my soul.

"He's dead Jacob. He killed himself because of me," I shuddered, feeling the full weight of that statement.

"He's an idiot. He left you like a complete jerk. Then what, felt guilty? How exactly did the bloodsucker do it? They're fairly indestructible, except of course to werewolves."

"Jacob, please. I don't want to talk about it" _Ever, _I added silently.

"Sure, sure, but you seriously need to get up. You've barely crawled out of bed for two weeks. At some point you've gotta go back to school."

"Wait, two weeks?" I questioned. Had it been that long? It felt no longer than two days. And yet, it felt as though an eternity had passed. I shifted in the bed to sit up. It was then I realized that time had passed. I was stiff all over, and weak. It took more effort than it should have to make a simple adjustment in position. My thoughts again returned to Charlie. How had my recent behavior affected him?

"Yeah, seriously Bells—you need a bath. You look like hell."

"Well that's where I'm at," I shot back. That silenced him. His look reflected hurt, confusion, and a hint of anger. Not at me I supposed, at Edward. This was his fault according to Jacob.

"I'm sorry. It's just I hate seeing you like this. You seemed to finally be doing better and he goes and does something to ruin it."

I sighed but kept quiet. I didn't want to talk about it. I shifted my feet over the side of the bed. I would take a shower. My muscles were tight and the warm water might do some good, at least for my outsides. I carefully placed my feet on the floor and stood. Jacob was watching me carefully; his face calm but relieved that I was making an effort. A small smile played at the corners of his lips. What was I wearing? I glanced down and was satisfied to find my usual tank top and sweats. As I lifted my head, the room began spinning. I collapsed back onto the bed. Jacob was beside me instantly.

"Are you okay," he asked, concern now replacing his previous satisfaction.

"Yeah, just a little dizzy," I shut my eyes trying to force my sense of gravity to center me. I had been completely non-functioning the past few weeks. I'm not sure what brought about my current level of consciousness-pure and absolute physical exhaustion perhaps. At some point, my physical would drag my emotional-kicking and screaming-back into reality.

Jacob lightly touched my arm offering his help. I gazed up at him. He seemed even bigger.

"Thanks Jacob," I shrugged him off. I did not like the contact. Not because it was Jacob but because I just did not want to feel anything. "I think I can manage from here." And with that, I stood and shuffled across the floor. I pulled whatever was closest from the front of my closet. Jacob waited, sitting on my bed. His eyes were anxiously searching mine, looking intently for something. I glanced at the mirror, wondering what he did not see. My jaw nearly fell. I saw what he saw, or did not see rather. I realized bitterly that Jacob had been looking for me. There was no trace of me in my features. My normally pale skin was even paler now, sallow even. My cheeks were thin from the minimal amount of food I had eaten. My lips were chapped and dry; my hair a shaggy mess. My eyes were completely void—like a black hole; filmy windows to nowhere. There was no spark, no evidence that my eyes were even taking in the necessary light required to see. They were just empty; like me. I forced myself to look away—looked down—my own reflection scared me. The physical I knew only mildly resembled what I was on the inside. With one last look, Jacob rose and escorted himself out the door, apparently satisfied that I was officially moving and somewhat functional.

The shower was inviting. I hadn't realized how stale I felt until the water began washing it away. The heat and pulsing sensation seemed to get my blood pumping back through my body which had so recently lain dormant. Being in the shower gave me time to think. All the flowing blood must be reaching my head. It seemed to me that I had two options. Three if I counted my continued state of limbo but that seemed impossible now that I had strayed from it. That left option one: return to the land of the living. This seemed incomprehensible considering I still felt dead. This, however, was the option the Bella I knew myself to be would choose. I would not choose it for myself but for Charlie, for my mother in Florida, possibly even for Jacob. I would get up and carry on the charade. Walking, talking, feeling, but only surface deep. Option two was the one my present state welcomed. Return to the cliff and finish what I had unintentionally started. How ironic that it would come full circle. I remembered the salt water consuming me-the struggle to maintain my head above water. The pressure as my lungs lost their remaining air supply. And sweetest of all, the slow loss of consciousness-that was what I longed for most.

Then a realization came crashing back to me. Something else had been in the water with me. Something I had forgotten until now. I shuddered despite the heat from the shower. _Victoria. _What would be her plan now? There was no longer a way to avenge her mate; at least not fully. She could, probably would, still kill me, but it would be without the added benefit of leaving a grieving survivor. Part of me longed for Victoria to end my life; it would allow me the escape I wanted without hurting my remaining friends and family any more then necessary. They would be heartbroken even more if I played a part in my own death. Maybe I should just have Victoria take care of that part for me. My problem with that situation was Jacob. He would do anything in his power to keep me safe; to keep her away from me.

I knew I was being morbid. My only real option was to make an effort. Who knew, maybe I would move back in with my mother and rid myself of the haunting memories that lingered here. At least there had been no mythological creatures there. I turned off the shower and stepped out-unsure of how I was to carry on-but knowing for now, I was going to. I put on the jeans and t-shirt I had grabbed and brushed and dried my hair. At least I look better, I thought; that's good for everyone. With a deep breath, I opened the door and prepared to re-enter my world.


	3. Chapter 3

HISTORY

As I descended the stairs, I overheard Jacob and Charlie talking. Their subject: me. I halted, waiting for better timing.

"I don't know Jacob. How can she come back from this?" Charlie's voice was sad.

"She's stronger then you give her credit for Charlie. She'll come around. She just needs to realize there's more out there."

There was nothing more. There never would be. Edward was my everything, the other half of me and he was gone. So was that half; the remaining part was just a shell; destroyed.

"Jake, you've been a good friend to her through a lot. I really appreciate it."

"Hey, what are friends for. Besides, I think that's exactly what she needs. Even if it is just a presence in a room or a shoulder to cry on," Jacob finished. With that, I officially added Jacob to my list of people I had to go on for. He treated me far better than I deserved. But I knew that he would always be there. He would do everything in his power to keep me safe and make me happy again; impossible as that was. It would devastate him if something happened to me.

They seemed to be finished. Charlie was never one to ramble mindlessly, especially when he was concerned. I continued the rest of the way down the stairs being sure to make some noise to alert them of my entrance. I rounded the corner into the kitchen. Both of them looked up in surprise. I should say something I thought, but the effort was lost to me.

"Hey Bells," it was so like Charlie to avoid any additional words that would make things worse. Those two words alone were enough to express his concern and relief. I silently thanked him for being him.

"Well, at least you smell better," Jacob added, smiling. It was the Jacob smile that I had loved once. Would I ever again? Charlie shot him a look but I hadn't minded. That was just Jacob. I noticed my purse and keys on the counter. I'm not sure where I thought I was going to go, but a drive seemed like a good idea. I grabbed them and Charlie stared at me.

"Are you going out," he asked confused.

"For a drive."

"Are you sure you're up for that," he asked again. Charlie-ever the chief of police.

"I just want to get some fresh air." There, that was reason enough. I could not say it would do me good; at this point, nothing would. It seemed to appease him.

"I'll go with you. If that's okay?" Jacob inquired.

I did not answer. I wasn't sure if I wanted company or not, so I left the decision to him if he wanted to follow me or not. As I walked out, I heard the chair shift and the door re-open and close behind me so I knew he had decided to come. As I stepped outside, I realized the day was sunny. That figures. The rain would have suited me better. Besides, now the sun's warm rays now contained everything I hated. They had aided in taking Edward away from me. There would be no Florida for me. I was stuck in Forks; at least until college. There where? Maybe an obscure school in a sparsely populated state with little sunlight—Alaska perhaps. The cold rain wouldn't be much better. It would remind me of him but at least then he would be alive.

I opened my door and climbed in as Jacob climbed in the passenger side. He stayed silent, rarely bothering to even look my direction. I guess it satisfied him that he could keep an eye on me. I knew he was worried. I started driving with no particular directions in mind. There was only one place I wanted to but it was useless. They weren't there and even if they were, he wasn't. Somehow I still ended up taking the roads that would lead there. Granted, it was one of the few roads I even knew. I don't know if Jacob realized exactly where we were. The road was not frequented much by people without a specific destination. I kept driving past the turn; even if I did go, it would have to be alone. I couldn't drag Jacob there.

I continued driving until I reached the end of the road. We continued in silence. True to form, Jacob seemed to know exactly what I needed. At the end of the road, I stopped and pulled off. Jacob waited silently. I was crying again. I didn't think I had much left; my usual was to get everything out and face up. But this was different. I had never lost anybody close to me before. I wondered how long this could go on. He did not even want me? How could he do this? I was so confused; why had he done what he did if I didn't matter? How did it lead to this?

I knew it hurt Jacob to see me hurting. I knew it made him angry-what Edward had done. I leaned into him; not for my reassurance, there would be none, but for his. I was glad for the moment that I wasn't alone in the truck cab. His presence filled it more than enough to replace the empty space where I was. He put his powerful arm around my shoulders and said nothing. There was nothing to be said. I closed my eyes, heavy now. I feared what dreams I might encounter. They were always the same now-Edward with his fearsome, scarlet eyes bright with hunger and eagerness. Knowing what frightening dreams lay ahead, I succumbed and slipped into unconsciousness.

When I awoke, still trembling from my dream I realized that I wasn't yet home. I was now in the passenger seat but Jacob was not in the truck. I shook my head trying to dislodge the remainder of my dream and orient myself to my location. Where had we stopped? I looked out my window noticing the rocks and glanced to the front window where Jacob was half sitting, half leaning on the hood of the truck. He appeared to be deep in thought. Looking past him, I realized that we were at the ocean. In fact, this was the very spot I had attempted my fateful jump. Why did he bring me here, of all the places? Much as I hated it, this place was my destiny. It held the juxtaposition of my past, present and future. I refocused on Jacob's back again. What was he thinking? Did he think it would help for me to be here? His guess was as good as mine for what might help. I considered getting out of the truck and going to him-could imagine the warm smile he would give me-the option of a hug or light-hearted comment. My sunshine would shine its rays; all I would have to do was open up and accept them. But like the actual sun, I didn't want to embrace it. I wanted to fight it off, to throw the covers over my head and be rid of its horrendous existence.

If I allowed myself to think, I tried to imagine my life if I had never met Edward. Perhaps I'd become best friends with Angela; joined a committee or two or worked on the newspaper. I could see myself with Jacob in that very different life. I could see what we could have been. He would never leave. He would never have to sacrifice part of his own nature for me; nor would I him. He would bring everything he had to offer and more. He would offer himself, wholly and completely. I would be a very different me. Perhaps alittle more carefree, less concerned with the problems of the world. Giving in to my less controlled side on occasion. He offered a perspective on the world without consequences; without the weight of it bearing down. If things got too much, he'd help me find my way through but always with a smile and a reminder that things would always look up again. Yes, I could have loved him in that world. It would have been a different kind of love-the kind that slips up on you without notice. Where you catch yourself explaining your relationship to a friend and find yourself blushing and smiling without due cause. They constantly invade your thoughts but only in brief passing moments. A picture or song may remind you of them but it's fleeting, non-intrusive. Just a quiet, permanent residence. It is the kind of love that endures because it will never burn out, but instead quietly simmers for all eternity.

I would live, I concluded. That much was decided. But I would never love another; not even Jacob. Not now. I had given Edward my heart and he left it behind, shattered and then took it to his grave. It would now be his forever.

I'm not sure how long we sat there-the two of us-not even hardly aware of each others presence. But eventually, the setting sun drew both of us back to our awareness of just how much time had passed. Jacob hopped down off the truck and strode back to the driver's side door.

"Oh, hey, sorry. I didn't realize you woke up yet. You were having a pretty crazy dream and I wanted to give you you're space," Jacob smiled warmly.

"That's okay. It's nice to be out of the house," I forced a smile at Jacob. It still seemed natural to be with him. Easy somehow, like he had no pretenses; didn't care to.

"I'm sure Charlie's going to be worried. I guess I should get you home. Besides, you have school tomorrow. You're going right?"

Ugh, I dreaded the idea. I did not think that my life would ever return to that level of normalcy again. But there really was no choice. If I wanted the option to leave Forks, I was going to have to graduate high school. I expected I was due for another zombie phase; it was the only way I could imagine myself surviving the rest of the semester.

"I guess I really don't have much choice," I sighed.

"Bella, you know I'm here if you ever need anything, and I mean anything."

"I know Jake. I know," my voice a whisper. I did not deserve a friend like him. He cared too much, was too invested. I had nothing to offer him in return except an empty shell. He seemed content with that; like he'd wait it out, patient and understanding.  
Charlie did not say much when I walked through the door. I really didn't expect him to, there had already been enough said between us. He would not push the topic unless I was ready. I wished him good night and mentioned that I would be going to school tomorrow. _That's good,_ was all he'd said.

As I trudged up the stairs I considered how the remainder of the semester would go; really, it was the end of my high school career. Of course, I'd first have to survive make-up work. I'd never really been one to get worked up about these things. It was, bottom line, the end of school and I never understood how people could be upset about that. Sure, you would have to leave behind some people, but I always figured if they were worth keeping around in the first place, you would find a way to do so. To be honest, this was a year I'd be glad to forget; to leave behind like it never existed. I wish it were that easy. But all that meant I would have to leave Charlie behind, and Jacob, and that made me sad. I wasn't entirely sure I could stay gone forever. Unless Charlie would come to visit me, at some point, I knew I would be back.

Forks. It was such an inconsequential little town and yet, it had altered me so completely. I was not the same person I was when I came to Forks. I hadn't really thought much about what my life was like before coming here. Once here, once I met Edward, everything I was, everything I had been was transformed. Who I was was gone. I lived only here and now. I dreamed only of tomorrow, of eternity. My life in Phoenix seems like somebody else's life. I had been so different.

When Renee had moved us to Phoenix, I was still a very young. I made friends with a few kids in the same neighborhood. Many of us ended up in different schools or moved away but three of us remained, at least relatively, close. I was the most shy. I wasn't involved in any clubs or sports; definitely not sports. When I was little, I danced. Ironic how hard Edward had tried to get me to dance and yet as a kid that was all I wanted to do. I stopped when I turned 12. I didn't date anybody. I guess I was just that invisible. I didn't necessarily try to be, I just didn't go out of my way not to be. Of my friends, I was the odd man out. I had no hobbies or extracurricular activities. Most of my after school time was spent with homework and keeping Renee organized. What we really had in common I do not know but we managed to stay friends. We'd eat lunch together if it was convenient. Occasionally, we'd take the typical girl day and go shopping at the local mall. We had a comfortable friendship. We had known each other so long that we didn't have to try; we just were. They were sad when I left. We had promised each other that we would keep in touch. I didn't know what to expect. I was not entirely thrilled with coming here, so I supposed at the time that holding onto my attachments in Phoenix was not a bad idea. After all, these girls accepted me; kept me from being the total outcast. With them as friends, I was the girl no one really understood, who always seemed slightly out of place and horribly clumsy, but was cool enough to have popular friends. Nobody really made an effort either way, and I didn't care. I was content to be obscure; lost in the shuffle. Not making any waves.

At that point in my life, Renee was making more than enough waves for the both of us. She'd always considered me-as I considered myself-more of the adult in our relationship. She was always off plotting some new hair-brained scheme. It didn't matter that she didn't have a plan, or transportation, or even any money sometimes. When she thought of something she went after it; many times failing miserably and then feeling guilty. I guess that is where I get that from. When things get messed up, I blame myself. The one difference between me and Renee, I try not to make a mess; however, that often leaves me feeling even more guilty, like I've made two mistakes. I was cautious because Renee wasn't. I learned to cook because Renee couldn't. I cleaned because Renee wouldn't. It's not that she was a bad mother, not at all. She would do everything she could to keep me safe, there was never a day I would go hungry and she'd always keep things clean enough, albeit completely unorganized. No, Renee wasn't a bad mom. She just had poor planning skills. Left to her, we'd eat out everyday. I knew Renee loved me and wanted the best, but sometimes the best wasn't skipping school to goof off or ordering mass amounts of beauty products only to throw them out because they dried out. Renee was great but somebody had to make sure that bills got paid on time and unnecessary or unused items got returned whenever possible.

I am not exactly sure where she met Phil. I think it was a friend of friend who introduced them. I knew instantly I liked him. He was down to earth, if a bit immature. At his age, he was still struggling to maintain his position in the minor leagues. A boyish dream, but he was more grounded then Renee. He was also the protector type which was exactly what Renee needed. They got married spur of the moment, like everything Renee did. They had only briefly considered ahead of time how I factored in. I surmised based on their explanation, that they viewed me mature for my age and almost a legal adult. I don't think I factored much into their future plans. I suspect they figured I'd be off to college soon and it wouldn't matter anyway. At that time, Phil was contracted in Phoenix but shortly thereafter, he was required to travel more. Neither my mother, nor Phil would have the heart to ask it but they needed their space. So when it came up, I suggested moving in with Charlie. I was almost done with school and really wanted to finish in a stable environment. It was hard enough to start at a new school once I moved to Forks, I shuddered to think what it would have been like to start over several times.

So it was concluded that I would move. I was not thrilled about it at all, but hoped to try and make the best of a mostly unpleasant situation. How foolish I had been. I guess I never suspected that moving to Forks would have such a dramatic impact on my life. When I made the decision to move, I calculated that I would have to endure two years before escaping the cold, damp climate. I originally planned on returning to Arizona to attend college; to return to the sun, the heat. Things I would now hate forever.

As I started to prepare things to go back to school, I noticed that there were reports and assignments completed for things I had not done. I looked more carefully and realized that even the information was new material. I flipped through and estimated a couple of weeks worth of work. Somebody had done my make-up work for me. But who I wondered? It could not be Jacob, I was older and a grade above him. Charlie would never do such a thing. That left somebody else from school but I couldn't imagine any of them doing that. A thought then occurred to me; could it have been Alice? I remembered she had been here for a while. Why would she do my work for me? More importantly, why was it all up to date, hadn't they left town? I knew at some point I would have to find out for myself, but for now, I had to finish getting things together; grateful to the unknown completer of dreaded make-up work.


End file.
